What Every Shy Person Wants You To Know

Ben looks down when his teacher greets him. Grace never speaks in class. Ava sits alone during recess. John does not make eye contact with his college professors or fellow students. Julie worries that her boss will ask her a question during the office meeting.

Life is tough for those who are shy. Ask the 30-50% of children or the 45% of adults who consider themselves shy and you'll get a list of ways that shyness holds them back. Every day a shy child is in pain and shy adults are not living life as they could. Something is very wrong with what has been offered to individuals who are shy - until now.

The ongoing advice for shy people has been to "stop acting shy and push yourself." The truth of the matter is that they can't, not as long as they continue to define themselves as shy. Unless individuals change the way they think of themselves they will not be able to change their behavior. There is a very definite approach that helps shy individuals change their mind-set from "I can't because I'm shy" to " I CAN be social if I try."

Never refer to a child or adult as shy. The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label him/herself. Once a child develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child shy you convey to her the message that you don't believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner - and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop. Children who define themselves as shy believe that that is the only way they are capable of behaving - and tend to grow up with this self-limiting belief.

We have put so much pressure on shy individuals that we set them up to fail. It is important for parents and teachers to decrease the anxiety of a social situation, while helping children define themselves in socially positive ways. Children need to learn who they are without labels. When a child is in a new situation and feels unsure, it is very reassuring to have a parent or teacher describe their behavior. "You need time to get used to new places and that's okay. You'll join in when you are ready". Explanations such as these go a long way to show the child that you respect his/her needs and you make the child responsible for his/her next step, thereby decreasing the pressure. Shy adults can apply the same technique and make a point of describing how they feel in various situations without using the word "shy."

Parents and teachers often expect to see only shy behavior from shy children. It is so important for adults to change their focus from what a shy child isn't doing to what he/she is. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social skills and overall confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at the birthday party table, or passing out papers at school. Make a point of giving positive recognition for times that the child makes a social gesture, however small. Adults who are shy should get into the habit of giving themselves credit for making any social attempt.

Having a shy child is challenging for both parent and child. Interaction between the two is vitally important and many parents find it worthwhile to seek out the expertise of a shyness coach. Just as a person hires a financial coach to focus on finances, a weight loss coach to learn about proper diet and exercise, and a LaLeche coach to assist with breastfeeding techniques, shyness coaching is beneficial to many.

Shyness coaching helps parents explore what methods they are presently using to parent their child and what is working or not working. Parents become more aware of how they interact with their shy child and how what they say, and do, has a direct effect upon how the shy child progresses.

When shy children learn to associate good feelings with social interactions they become empowered to take more and more social chances. By incorporating a well thought out method that is fine-tuned to the specific needs of that particular child, shy children come to realize that behaving in a socially comfortable manner is not only possible, but less pressure-filled than they may have previously thought!

Reference:

Adelman, Laurie, Don't Call Me Shy (LangMarc Publishing, 2007)

Laurie Adelman, B.S.N., M.S. Family Health/Health Education is a health educator, does shyness coaching by phone, and is the author of Don't Call Me Shy. She was a shy child herself and is the mother of an ex-shy child. For more information about the Don't Call Me Shy method and shyness coaching call (973) 696-6212 or e-mail at Laurie@dontcallmeshy.com Shy adults also benefit from the Don't Call Me Shy method because they learn how to parent themselves.