Most guys are at least a little bit shy when they are around women. However, there does get to be a point where you can be TOO shy and make yourself so uncomfortable around women that you are unable to make any move at all. If this is how you feel, then you have to be able to overcome shyness with women and really learn how to break your shyness around women.
I know, it is easier for me to say it than it is for you to do it. This is understood. However, sometimes you need to light a little fire within you so that you can get motivated to overcome your shyness with women and instead, learn how to be relaxed and comfortable, even around the prettiest women that you can find.
Here are some dating tips for the shy guy to break your shyness around women:
1. You MUST get yourself to focus on the right things. What are the right things that you need to focus on with women to get over shyness with women? For one, you cannot allow yourself to focus your thoughts on all of the bad things that can happen, like rejection from a woman. Yes, I know that rejection from women flat out sucks, but you cannot let that hold you back from ever making a move and breaking out of your shell.
2. You MUST get used to being in the company of women. Just being in and around a group of women can make you slowly transition from being shy around women into being a lot more open and relaxed when you are around a woman. One of the easiest ways for you to accomplish this is to get a group of females that you know, maybe some co-workers, and hang out with them a little more often. You might be amazed at the things that you can pick up on when you get to know women a little bit better.
3. You NEED to be able to approach a woman and not become all hesitant about it. When you hesitate, you are not just going to make it worse for yourself, but also for the woman as well. Approaching a woman is not really the hardest thing to do, but if you let yourself become too fearful of approaching women, then you are never going to realize this and get over being shy around women.
Want to know more about how you can easily get over shyness with women and instead approach women with confidence of steel?
Click Here to Get Your FREE Report on How to Attract and Seduce Beautiful Women
Copyright © 2010 Chris Tyler All Rights Reserved.
Friday 3 September 2010
Tuesday 16 February 2010
Being Shy Affects Your Self-Esteem - Are You Shy?
Are you afraid to take a risk? Perhaps you always anticipate the worst and fearing the outcome; you avoid the pain by avoiding the situation altogether. It could be simply fear of the unknown. Sometimes a single bad experience can grow into a habit as you continue to choose to flee or avoid any situation in which you feel uncertain.
Shyness affects your self-esteem.
Many doctors who work with shy people describe them as being self-centered, more preoccupied with what kind of impression they're making to care about anyone but himself or herself. They are so worried about what others will think of them that they are incapable of concern about the welfare of others.
Those plagued by shyness may be seen as less than friendly by others, maybe a bit standoffish, even cold in some circumstances. It's evident that compared to other people, they are not as assertive, due to their quiet nature in some settings. On the whole, they are certainly not viewed as negatively as they might fear. Because they are shy, they are definitely more sensitive to negative feedback than the average person is. They probably even see themselves in a more negative than positive light.
Because of this worry, their thoughts and strengths are limited to a very small circle of people; they are in fact only limited by their own thoughts and emotions. They constantly think that others are slighting them, insulting them, or attacking them in some way.
The shy person can actually handicap themselves with negative thoughts and wind up using their shyness as a crutch and an excuse for not pursuing more social occasions, "I can't handle these kinds of situations because I'm so shy." Of course the more they tell themselves things like this, the harder it becomes to socialize, make friends, and establish relationships, both personal and professional. It becomes a self-defeating behavior.
This kind of self-defeating behavior leads to more and more avoidance of any or all social encounters, until they become frozen in fear and completely unable to function in normal social circumstances. They quite literally lose hope in their own ability to function normally in these circumstances, so they quit trying.
Today's modern technology is aiding and abetting many shy people. Thanks to this technology, there is sometimes no need to interact with other humans at all. Everything from bank ATMs to sending text messages on cell phones enables the shy person to avoid interaction with anything but machines. It's less intimidating to send an email than it is to pick up a telephone and speak to a live person. More and more nowadays, it's unnecessary to deal directly with other people. An example of this avoidance is a movie entitled, "The Net," where a young woman deals with others via only her computer; she even orders a pizza and pays for it over the internet.
The fact that you're reading this article means that either you're shy yourself, or you know someone who is shy and you want to help them. It's important to remember that being shy is not the real you; you're so much more than just shy. You are sensitive, caring, and compassionate; so don't allow yourself to be labeled merely shy. Shyness may be limiting your personal freedom, peace of mind, and the ability to express yourself, but is only a part of who you really are.
Do you want to learn more about how I teach people to cure shyness? I have written a comprehensive guide on shyness.
Download a Report on Shyness here Shyness
Bobby is a psychologist and author.
Shyness affects your self-esteem.
Many doctors who work with shy people describe them as being self-centered, more preoccupied with what kind of impression they're making to care about anyone but himself or herself. They are so worried about what others will think of them that they are incapable of concern about the welfare of others.
Those plagued by shyness may be seen as less than friendly by others, maybe a bit standoffish, even cold in some circumstances. It's evident that compared to other people, they are not as assertive, due to their quiet nature in some settings. On the whole, they are certainly not viewed as negatively as they might fear. Because they are shy, they are definitely more sensitive to negative feedback than the average person is. They probably even see themselves in a more negative than positive light.
Because of this worry, their thoughts and strengths are limited to a very small circle of people; they are in fact only limited by their own thoughts and emotions. They constantly think that others are slighting them, insulting them, or attacking them in some way.
The shy person can actually handicap themselves with negative thoughts and wind up using their shyness as a crutch and an excuse for not pursuing more social occasions, "I can't handle these kinds of situations because I'm so shy." Of course the more they tell themselves things like this, the harder it becomes to socialize, make friends, and establish relationships, both personal and professional. It becomes a self-defeating behavior.
This kind of self-defeating behavior leads to more and more avoidance of any or all social encounters, until they become frozen in fear and completely unable to function in normal social circumstances. They quite literally lose hope in their own ability to function normally in these circumstances, so they quit trying.
Today's modern technology is aiding and abetting many shy people. Thanks to this technology, there is sometimes no need to interact with other humans at all. Everything from bank ATMs to sending text messages on cell phones enables the shy person to avoid interaction with anything but machines. It's less intimidating to send an email than it is to pick up a telephone and speak to a live person. More and more nowadays, it's unnecessary to deal directly with other people. An example of this avoidance is a movie entitled, "The Net," where a young woman deals with others via only her computer; she even orders a pizza and pays for it over the internet.
The fact that you're reading this article means that either you're shy yourself, or you know someone who is shy and you want to help them. It's important to remember that being shy is not the real you; you're so much more than just shy. You are sensitive, caring, and compassionate; so don't allow yourself to be labeled merely shy. Shyness may be limiting your personal freedom, peace of mind, and the ability to express yourself, but is only a part of who you really are.
Do you want to learn more about how I teach people to cure shyness? I have written a comprehensive guide on shyness.
Download a Report on Shyness here Shyness
Bobby is a psychologist and author.
Sunday 14 February 2010
Real Solutions For Combatting Extreme Shyness
Many people suffer from shyness, but for most of us, shyness is a minor problem.
We may feel somewhat shy when we are around new people that we don't know, but after we meet them a few times, most of us find that our shyness soon disappears.
For some people however, shyness is an overwhelming and ongoing problem.
These people may experience overwhelming social anxiety in many situations, even when they are around people they have known for a long time.
Various psychological therapies have been used to treat extreme shyness, bur most of them have a track record of only limited success.
Those types of therapy where the person is encouraged to delve into past traumas have a very poor record of helping anyone overcome shyness or social anxiety.
The most successful approaches for shyness and social anxiety use some variation of cognitive therapy, or behavioral therapy, or both of these, combined with graduated and increasing exposure to the feared situation.
In cognitive therapy, the patient is taught to notice the thoughts he is thinking while he is in the feared situation. The client learns to challenge his thoughts to see if they fit reality. If these thoughts do not match the reality, the client is taught to substitute more realistic thoughts in their place.
Behavioral therapy aims to change the client's behavior using a program of positive reinforcement of the desired behavior, and negative reinforcement of the undesired behavior.
Learning to use these new techniques effectively requires commitment and practice, practice, practice!
Both cognitive therapy and behavior therapy focus on teaching the client to deal with situations and symptoms in the present. Neither form of therapy delves into situations in the client's distant past.
There are many books that can teach the reader to effectively use cognitive therapy techniques for both depression and loneliness.
If your case is not particularly severe, you can often learn enough from reading a book and doing the recommended exercises to greatly relieve your symptoms of shyness or depression.
Dr. David Burns, one of the pioneers in bringing cognitive therapy to a wider audience, has written several very useful books and workbooks for the general public, including "Intimate Connections" and "Feeling Good--the New Mood Therapy."
In the past decade, researchers have discovered that some anti-depressant medications, particularly the so-called SSRI's (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors), can also be very helpful in the treatment of extreme shyness.
One of these SSRI drugs, Paxil, was the first to receive American F.D.A. approval as an effective treatment for social anxiety. In fact, ads for Paxil as a treatment for social anxiety have been marketed directly to the public, not just to doctors. Other anti-depressant drugs in the SSRI group are also believed to help in reliving social anxiety.
Does drug treatment for shyness really work? Some very socially anxious people have tried everything that regular psychotherapy has to offer, including cognitive therapy, yet they still suffer debilitating symptoms of shyness until they try SSRI drugs.
In some cases, the improvement in sociability after taking SSRI drugs can be swift and profound. This class of drugs seems to help the socially anxious person turn down the excessive volume of their inner judgmental thoughts.
If you are shy or socially anxious, should you take a pill to make you more friendly? There are pros and cons to be considered when deciding whether or not to take a drug for social anxiety. The SSRI drugs can cause nervous agitation, insomnia, weight gain, and sexual dysfunction, as well as many other less common side effects.
Not all doctors approve of the idea of using a pill to treat shyness. Shyness is a normal human trait, and some doctors and psychologists are concerned that this normal human trait has been labelled as a medical condition that now requires expensive drugs to treat it.
Because the SSRI drugs are relatively new, it is not yet known what the long-term effects of this class of drugs may be. Nevertheless, the SSRI drugs are very widely prescribed, particularly in North America, for depression and social anxiety.
In most locations it is easier to find a doctor who will prescribe SSRI medication to combat shyness than it is to find a counselor trained in the use of therapy effective in treating shyness disorders.
The difference in shyness experienced with drug therapy can be quite astounding, but it will likely last only as long as the drug is taken on a regular basis. When the drug is discontinued, the symptoms of shyness will likely reappear.
With the proper psychotherapy for shyness, the positive results are likely to be long lasting.
Many people who suffer from severe shyness or social anxiety experience the best results from a combination of drug therapy along with cognitive therapy used at the same time.
This article is an excerpt from the new downloadable book by Royane Real titled "Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends" available at http://www.royane.com
We may feel somewhat shy when we are around new people that we don't know, but after we meet them a few times, most of us find that our shyness soon disappears.
For some people however, shyness is an overwhelming and ongoing problem.
These people may experience overwhelming social anxiety in many situations, even when they are around people they have known for a long time.
Various psychological therapies have been used to treat extreme shyness, bur most of them have a track record of only limited success.
Those types of therapy where the person is encouraged to delve into past traumas have a very poor record of helping anyone overcome shyness or social anxiety.
The most successful approaches for shyness and social anxiety use some variation of cognitive therapy, or behavioral therapy, or both of these, combined with graduated and increasing exposure to the feared situation.
In cognitive therapy, the patient is taught to notice the thoughts he is thinking while he is in the feared situation. The client learns to challenge his thoughts to see if they fit reality. If these thoughts do not match the reality, the client is taught to substitute more realistic thoughts in their place.
Behavioral therapy aims to change the client's behavior using a program of positive reinforcement of the desired behavior, and negative reinforcement of the undesired behavior.
Learning to use these new techniques effectively requires commitment and practice, practice, practice!
Both cognitive therapy and behavior therapy focus on teaching the client to deal with situations and symptoms in the present. Neither form of therapy delves into situations in the client's distant past.
There are many books that can teach the reader to effectively use cognitive therapy techniques for both depression and loneliness.
If your case is not particularly severe, you can often learn enough from reading a book and doing the recommended exercises to greatly relieve your symptoms of shyness or depression.
Dr. David Burns, one of the pioneers in bringing cognitive therapy to a wider audience, has written several very useful books and workbooks for the general public, including "Intimate Connections" and "Feeling Good--the New Mood Therapy."
In the past decade, researchers have discovered that some anti-depressant medications, particularly the so-called SSRI's (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors), can also be very helpful in the treatment of extreme shyness.
One of these SSRI drugs, Paxil, was the first to receive American F.D.A. approval as an effective treatment for social anxiety. In fact, ads for Paxil as a treatment for social anxiety have been marketed directly to the public, not just to doctors. Other anti-depressant drugs in the SSRI group are also believed to help in reliving social anxiety.
Does drug treatment for shyness really work? Some very socially anxious people have tried everything that regular psychotherapy has to offer, including cognitive therapy, yet they still suffer debilitating symptoms of shyness until they try SSRI drugs.
In some cases, the improvement in sociability after taking SSRI drugs can be swift and profound. This class of drugs seems to help the socially anxious person turn down the excessive volume of their inner judgmental thoughts.
If you are shy or socially anxious, should you take a pill to make you more friendly? There are pros and cons to be considered when deciding whether or not to take a drug for social anxiety. The SSRI drugs can cause nervous agitation, insomnia, weight gain, and sexual dysfunction, as well as many other less common side effects.
Not all doctors approve of the idea of using a pill to treat shyness. Shyness is a normal human trait, and some doctors and psychologists are concerned that this normal human trait has been labelled as a medical condition that now requires expensive drugs to treat it.
Because the SSRI drugs are relatively new, it is not yet known what the long-term effects of this class of drugs may be. Nevertheless, the SSRI drugs are very widely prescribed, particularly in North America, for depression and social anxiety.
In most locations it is easier to find a doctor who will prescribe SSRI medication to combat shyness than it is to find a counselor trained in the use of therapy effective in treating shyness disorders.
The difference in shyness experienced with drug therapy can be quite astounding, but it will likely last only as long as the drug is taken on a regular basis. When the drug is discontinued, the symptoms of shyness will likely reappear.
With the proper psychotherapy for shyness, the positive results are likely to be long lasting.
Many people who suffer from severe shyness or social anxiety experience the best results from a combination of drug therapy along with cognitive therapy used at the same time.
This article is an excerpt from the new downloadable book by Royane Real titled "Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends" available at http://www.royane.com
Saturday 13 February 2010
What Every Shy Person Wants You To Know
Ben looks down when his teacher greets him. Grace never speaks in class. Ava sits alone during recess. John does not make eye contact with his college professors or fellow students. Julie worries that her boss will ask her a question during the office meeting.
Life is tough for those who are shy. Ask the 30-50% of children or the 45% of adults who consider themselves shy and you'll get a list of ways that shyness holds them back. Every day a shy child is in pain and shy adults are not living life as they could. Something is very wrong with what has been offered to individuals who are shy - until now.
The ongoing advice for shy people has been to "stop acting shy and push yourself." The truth of the matter is that they can't, not as long as they continue to define themselves as shy. Unless individuals change the way they think of themselves they will not be able to change their behavior. There is a very definite approach that helps shy individuals change their mind-set from "I can't because I'm shy" to " I CAN be social if I try."
Never refer to a child or adult as shy. The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label him/herself. Once a child develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child shy you convey to her the message that you don't believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner - and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop. Children who define themselves as shy believe that that is the only way they are capable of behaving - and tend to grow up with this self-limiting belief.
We have put so much pressure on shy individuals that we set them up to fail. It is important for parents and teachers to decrease the anxiety of a social situation, while helping children define themselves in socially positive ways. Children need to learn who they are without labels. When a child is in a new situation and feels unsure, it is very reassuring to have a parent or teacher describe their behavior. "You need time to get used to new places and that's okay. You'll join in when you are ready". Explanations such as these go a long way to show the child that you respect his/her needs and you make the child responsible for his/her next step, thereby decreasing the pressure. Shy adults can apply the same technique and make a point of describing how they feel in various situations without using the word "shy."
Parents and teachers often expect to see only shy behavior from shy children. It is so important for adults to change their focus from what a shy child isn't doing to what he/she is. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social skills and overall confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at the birthday party table, or passing out papers at school. Make a point of giving positive recognition for times that the child makes a social gesture, however small. Adults who are shy should get into the habit of giving themselves credit for making any social attempt.
Having a shy child is challenging for both parent and child. Interaction between the two is vitally important and many parents find it worthwhile to seek out the expertise of a shyness coach. Just as a person hires a financial coach to focus on finances, a weight loss coach to learn about proper diet and exercise, and a LaLeche coach to assist with breastfeeding techniques, shyness coaching is beneficial to many.
Shyness coaching helps parents explore what methods they are presently using to parent their child and what is working or not working. Parents become more aware of how they interact with their shy child and how what they say, and do, has a direct effect upon how the shy child progresses.
When shy children learn to associate good feelings with social interactions they become empowered to take more and more social chances. By incorporating a well thought out method that is fine-tuned to the specific needs of that particular child, shy children come to realize that behaving in a socially comfortable manner is not only possible, but less pressure-filled than they may have previously thought!
Reference:
Adelman, Laurie, Don't Call Me Shy (LangMarc Publishing, 2007)
Laurie Adelman, B.S.N., M.S. Family Health/Health Education is a health educator, does shyness coaching by phone, and is the author of Don't Call Me Shy. She was a shy child herself and is the mother of an ex-shy child. For more information about the Don't Call Me Shy method and shyness coaching call (973) 696-6212 or e-mail at Laurie@dontcallmeshy.com Shy adults also benefit from the Don't Call Me Shy method because they learn how to parent themselves.
Life is tough for those who are shy. Ask the 30-50% of children or the 45% of adults who consider themselves shy and you'll get a list of ways that shyness holds them back. Every day a shy child is in pain and shy adults are not living life as they could. Something is very wrong with what has been offered to individuals who are shy - until now.
The ongoing advice for shy people has been to "stop acting shy and push yourself." The truth of the matter is that they can't, not as long as they continue to define themselves as shy. Unless individuals change the way they think of themselves they will not be able to change their behavior. There is a very definite approach that helps shy individuals change their mind-set from "I can't because I'm shy" to " I CAN be social if I try."
Never refer to a child or adult as shy. The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label him/herself. Once a child develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child shy you convey to her the message that you don't believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner - and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop. Children who define themselves as shy believe that that is the only way they are capable of behaving - and tend to grow up with this self-limiting belief.
We have put so much pressure on shy individuals that we set them up to fail. It is important for parents and teachers to decrease the anxiety of a social situation, while helping children define themselves in socially positive ways. Children need to learn who they are without labels. When a child is in a new situation and feels unsure, it is very reassuring to have a parent or teacher describe their behavior. "You need time to get used to new places and that's okay. You'll join in when you are ready". Explanations such as these go a long way to show the child that you respect his/her needs and you make the child responsible for his/her next step, thereby decreasing the pressure. Shy adults can apply the same technique and make a point of describing how they feel in various situations without using the word "shy."
Parents and teachers often expect to see only shy behavior from shy children. It is so important for adults to change their focus from what a shy child isn't doing to what he/she is. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social skills and overall confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at the birthday party table, or passing out papers at school. Make a point of giving positive recognition for times that the child makes a social gesture, however small. Adults who are shy should get into the habit of giving themselves credit for making any social attempt.
Having a shy child is challenging for both parent and child. Interaction between the two is vitally important and many parents find it worthwhile to seek out the expertise of a shyness coach. Just as a person hires a financial coach to focus on finances, a weight loss coach to learn about proper diet and exercise, and a LaLeche coach to assist with breastfeeding techniques, shyness coaching is beneficial to many.
Shyness coaching helps parents explore what methods they are presently using to parent their child and what is working or not working. Parents become more aware of how they interact with their shy child and how what they say, and do, has a direct effect upon how the shy child progresses.
When shy children learn to associate good feelings with social interactions they become empowered to take more and more social chances. By incorporating a well thought out method that is fine-tuned to the specific needs of that particular child, shy children come to realize that behaving in a socially comfortable manner is not only possible, but less pressure-filled than they may have previously thought!
Reference:
Adelman, Laurie, Don't Call Me Shy (LangMarc Publishing, 2007)
Laurie Adelman, B.S.N., M.S. Family Health/Health Education is a health educator, does shyness coaching by phone, and is the author of Don't Call Me Shy. She was a shy child herself and is the mother of an ex-shy child. For more information about the Don't Call Me Shy method and shyness coaching call (973) 696-6212 or e-mail at Laurie@dontcallmeshy.com Shy adults also benefit from the Don't Call Me Shy method because they learn how to parent themselves.
Sunday 7 February 2010
Overcoming Shyness - The Pathway & Methods For Success!
The rewards for overcoming shyness are enormous! A completely new world will be opened up to you. The good news is that once you have broken through you'll probably ask yourself, "What was the big deal?" To get there, however, it will take some determination and hard work. But I assure you that the benefits GREATLY outweigh the amount of effort needed to conquer it.
One of the Shyest People I Knew
I was once the one of the shyest people I knew. In preschool, I sometimes hid underneath wooden fruit crates after the other kids had removed all the balls inside at the start of recess.
Through out much of middle and high school I ate lunch alone. I usually left the school grounds during the lunch break so that the other students wouldn't see that I was eating alone. I didn't want them to find out how shy I was. (This was true during the short time I was in public school, but not as much while I was in the boy's home because we all lived together. For more details, refer to my bio.)
During my first two years of college, I was so shy that I was constantly in a state of panic when I ate a meal in the cafeteria, as I sat in class for fear that I might be called on, and when I met with a professor in their office.
At this point in my life, the idea of overcoming shyness seemed like a distant possibility for me. Even so, I never gave up on my dream to overcome it.
When a Fortune 500 company hired me as a management trainee, I was repeatedly put into situations where I had to deal with my shyness. I'll never forget the first staff meeting where I was required to give a short presentation. It was the most humiliating and agonizing event of my life!
Even when I walked into the entrance hall where people gathered before going into a business meeting I would panic. "How should I act? What should I say if someone approaches me?" I would think to myself.
The requirements for social interaction and public speaking increased with each promotion I got. I eventually became a regional division head and later a national marketing manager responsible for generating 400 million dollars in annual product sales. In order to met the requirements of these positions I had to learn about overcoming shyness and the fear of public speaking.
Proper Perspective about Overcoming Shyness
One of the most amazing things I learned during my journey is that many people who I perceived as NOT being shy were in fact very shy themselves. I've concluded that shyness is simply a normal human condition. I see it as one of those childhood based fears that we eventually grow out of or learn to control if we choose to do so. Some people choose never to face it or they never find themselves in a situation where that are forced to deal with it. My story is a combination of both of these.
Another equally amazing thing is the response I would get when I asked people how I did after delivering a speech or attending an important social function. I was always stunned when people would tell me how cool, relaxed, and confident I appeared because inside I felt scared, incompetent, and shy.
So one of the most important lessons to learn for overcoming shyness is that almost everyone is shy or has experienced being shy some time in their lives. I have been astounded many times by people who I knew as being supremely confident and socially skilled to report to me how excruciatingly shy they once were, and in some cases how they still are but that they had learned to control it.
The other important thing to remember about overcoming shyness is that the way people see you is frequently much different from the why you see yourself. Other people cannot hear the discouraging things that you're saying to yourself or often even detect your nervousness. Why? Because they are usually more consumed with their own thoughts about how they are being viewed by YOU!
Shyness Can Be Good
In the dating world, both men and women often see shyness as a point of attraction. There is a fine line however. If a person does NOT allow their shyness to hold them back from trying, that is attractive. In contrast, if a person DOES allow shyness to hold them back, that is unattractive.
How times have you heard movie or rock stars say in an interview how shy they are? If you watch closely, you can see how shy these individuals are when they are giving an acceptance speech at an awards show. I know that there are those who hide it well with aggressive, animated behavior, but if you look pass all that you can see it during the moments in between.
The lesson here is that each of these accomplished public figures did not let their shyness block them from going after their dreams! You can do the same regardless of how impossible it seems right now.
Courage and Overcoming Shyness
The path to overcoming shyness and becoming assertive is very similar to overcoming fear and gaining courage. You don't gain either until you have walk toward and through the discomfort and fear. It is between these two points where your internal work of building confidence and courage occurs. To put it simply, you learn by doing! There is no magical formula, or a perfect set of words, that will give you what you need to beat your shyness or gain courage.
The process for overcoming shyness and gaining courage is the same. You must go toward and through what you fear! Once you've done it, then you get the confidence and the courage - NOT the other way around. Each time you succeed, you'll gain a bit more confidence and courage. And succeeding does NOT mean that you will NOT be afraid, awkward, or clumsy as you move through each fearful situation. You will emerge from it elated and invigorated however!
With each success in moving toward and through fearful situations, you will gain a bit more confidence and courage and you lose a bit more fear, awkwardness, and clumsiness. This is the process for overcoming shyness.
Repeated Exposure is Key to Overcoming Shyness
So how do you get there? How do you overcome shyness and gain courage. You do it through repeated exposure to the situations that you fear. Don't let that word fear get to you. Fear is a NORMAL human response to the unknown and to situations where you have no experience. That's all it is. No more. It's not a character weakness or a psychological problem. It's just plain old fear.
Once you go toward and through your fear and feel the exhilaration, you are going to want to do it again, and again! The first time is the hardest. The fear is at its strongest just before the first time. After all, you've probably been thinking about it for years and certainly during the days, hours, or minutes before the actual event. But once you've gone toward and through your shyness and your fears you'll probably say to yourself as I did, "What was I so worried about?" The key to overcoming shyness is to expose yourself to situations where you are normally shy and fearful.
A great strategy for overcoming shyness is to start small and build up to bigger and more difficult situations. For example, start by going to small social functions that are of less importance to you. In other words, go through the awkward learning stage in these environments until you gain some confidence. Then go to those social events that are more challenging and of greater importance to you.
If you want to meet a life-partner but you are shy about approaching people who you find attractive, start with those who you would just like to get to know as a friend. Then after you gain some confidence go after those individuals that really excite you.
The same strategy works particularly well for public speaking. Start with small audiences that will have little or no impact on your career. Then work your way up to larger and more important audiences.
Public Speaking and Overcoming Shyness
Public speaking training is the best way to accelerate your progress. Overcoming shyness is a wonderful unexpected benefit to learning public speaking. In fact, I believe that shyness and the fear of public speaking are directly related.
I've had a considerable amount of training and experience in public speaking. I've taken two (2) Dale Carnegie courses in effective speaking, I've belonged to Toastmasters for many years, I've attended several college classes and seminars on public speaking, and I've delivered countless speeches. Why did I do all this training? I did it to conquer my debilitating shyness and fear of public speaking.
To give you an example of how severe my problem was, I started and quit my first Dale Carnegie course three (3) times before I finally completed it. But when graduated, I received several awards and was asked to be an assistant to the instructor for future classes.
As I progressed through my first Dale Carnegie course, I was amazed and extremely pleased by the changes that were happening to me in regard to overcoming shyness. I found myself speaking up in front of groups of people in social situations where I would have NEVER spoken a word before. I started giving my opinion in business meetings and in college classes that I attended at night. I would not have done either of these things before I started my pubic speaking training. These new skills were particularly useful in expanding my social life. I found that I was much more willing to approach women and strike up a conversation. As my public speaking skills improved further, it wasn't long before I found myself with more social activites and dates than I ever thought possible!
The Dale Carnegie course, which charges a considerable fee, is brilliant! It takes you through a wide variety of public speaking situations guided by well-trained, encouraging, and enthusiastic instructors. One of the great things about attending these classes is that you'll get to know a whole room of people who feel exactly the same way as you do. I highly recommend it.
Toastmasters is a non-profit organization, which charges a very small fee for membership and dues. It has nearly 235,000 members in 11,700 clubs in 92 countries. Each club follows the guidelines of Toastmasters, but they operate and conduct meetings on their own. The club membership is comprised of like-minded individuals who want to hone their communication and leadership skills. Meetings are well organized and productive. The atmosphere is supportive, encouraging, and fun! I highly recommend it.
If you participate in the programs provided by one or both of these organizations, I guarantee that your dream of overcoming shyness will become a reality a lot quicker.
Internal Work for Overcoming Shyness
A crucial aspect to overcoming shyness is learning how to control your thoughts and having a positive self-image. Much of the work needed to make progress in these areas will happen on its own as you struggle through the challenges of moving toward and through the things that you are afraid to do.
As you face these challenges, you will discover for yourself what thoughts will help you succeed. As you accumulate more successes, your thought patterns, confidence, and self-image will become more refined and stronger.
You can speed up your progress in these areas by creating thought and visualization scripts that inspire and led you to the outcome you desire. I call them scripts because they are planned behaviors that you carefully design in advance. And like the script of a movie, television show, or a play it is intended to be an exact representation of what you want to happen when it counts! And if you think about it, isn't this a crucial factor in overcoming shyness?
The basis of a thought script can be anything that is meaningful and inspiring to you. It might be a performance, comparative, or a goal script. The key is to create scripts that arouse passions that will propel you pass your internal roadblocks!
Here are some examples:
Performance Script for Overcoming Shyness:
WRONG: "I will not be shy and I will not be anxious about handling situations that may arise this party."
RIGHT: "I am confident and I can handle any situation that arises at this party."
Comparative Script for Overcoming Shyness:
"I am surely as intelligent and capable as so and so (famous person, friend, or acquaintance), and if they can perform confidently at social functions I certainly can!"
Goal Script for Overcoming Shyness:
"I will move toward whatever I fear tonight (this week/month/year, at this event), conquer my shyness, train myself how to be confident, and become the person that I desire."
Once you come up with a few scripts, replay them in your mind until they become a part of you. Then learn to get yourself into the habit of focusing your thoughts on them when you're approaching an opportunity for overcoming shyness.
Visualizations are movie scripts that you create in your mind that show you performing in the way that you desire. Visualization is a proven technique that has been utilized by leading athletes for years. You can use the same methods to improve your game! Here's how it works. Practice the outcome that you desire in your mind until you create your perfect performance. Once you have a detailed script, replay it in your mind until it becomes a part of you. Then just prior to the actual event, focus your mind on the script and you will know exactly what to do to succeed!
Here are some examples of some visualization scripts for overcoming shyness. You'll need to add the detail so that every scene from beginning to end is included.
"You visualize yourself calmly walking up to the podium at an important business meeting, confidently delivering your speech, and receiving a positive response. You also see yourself confidently prepared to handle any unexpected situation that may arise."
"You visualize yourself calmly entering a party, confidently greeting everyone you encounter, and receiving a warm response. You also see yourself confidently prepared to handle any situation that may arise.
"You visualize yourself calmly walking over to a woman/man that you find extremely attractive, confidently saying what you had planned, and receiving a warm reaction. You also see yourself confidently prepared to deal with whatever the outcome is without being affected."
If you have any issues in your life that are having a negative influence on your self-image, you'll need to address these in order to make advanced progress in overcoming shyness. If this applies to you, start by getting some good books that deal with your particular issue and/or seek the guidance and support of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.
Your New World After Overcoming Shyness
If you make the commitment to overcoming shyness, one day you will look back with amazement at all the progress that you've made and all the wonderful things that you've been able to do. You will also have a deep respect for yourself as you reflect on what your life would have been if you had allowed yourself to remain imprisoned by your shyness.
If you could only see yourself unchained by shyness, you would see a socially confident, engaging, and expressive person with as many friends, dates, and social engagements as you desire. You have the key to unlock the chains within you right now! You've always known this. It doesn't take much effort to find the key, but it takes a lot of courage to unlock the chains. But once you do you will never be the same.
Brad Paul
Solotopia.com
Copyright © Brad Paul
To see the original article with graphics & links at Solotopia.com, click: http://www.solotopia.com/overcoming-shyness.html
To see a list of all articles by category at Solotopia.com, click: http://www.solotopia.com/dating-articles.html
Brad Paul is the founder of Solotopia.com, which provides FREE resources for being single successfully whether a person chooses to remain unattached, just date, or find a perfect partner.
Brad began learning about the needs of singles as he built and led a unique, highly successful non-profit singles organization. He refined his knowledge about singles as he researched and wrote books on finding a perfect partner and couple's communication. Before changing careers, he headed a marketing group responsible for generating $400 million dollars in annual sales.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brad_Paul
One of the Shyest People I Knew
I was once the one of the shyest people I knew. In preschool, I sometimes hid underneath wooden fruit crates after the other kids had removed all the balls inside at the start of recess.
Through out much of middle and high school I ate lunch alone. I usually left the school grounds during the lunch break so that the other students wouldn't see that I was eating alone. I didn't want them to find out how shy I was. (This was true during the short time I was in public school, but not as much while I was in the boy's home because we all lived together. For more details, refer to my bio.)
During my first two years of college, I was so shy that I was constantly in a state of panic when I ate a meal in the cafeteria, as I sat in class for fear that I might be called on, and when I met with a professor in their office.
At this point in my life, the idea of overcoming shyness seemed like a distant possibility for me. Even so, I never gave up on my dream to overcome it.
When a Fortune 500 company hired me as a management trainee, I was repeatedly put into situations where I had to deal with my shyness. I'll never forget the first staff meeting where I was required to give a short presentation. It was the most humiliating and agonizing event of my life!
Even when I walked into the entrance hall where people gathered before going into a business meeting I would panic. "How should I act? What should I say if someone approaches me?" I would think to myself.
The requirements for social interaction and public speaking increased with each promotion I got. I eventually became a regional division head and later a national marketing manager responsible for generating 400 million dollars in annual product sales. In order to met the requirements of these positions I had to learn about overcoming shyness and the fear of public speaking.
Proper Perspective about Overcoming Shyness
One of the most amazing things I learned during my journey is that many people who I perceived as NOT being shy were in fact very shy themselves. I've concluded that shyness is simply a normal human condition. I see it as one of those childhood based fears that we eventually grow out of or learn to control if we choose to do so. Some people choose never to face it or they never find themselves in a situation where that are forced to deal with it. My story is a combination of both of these.
Another equally amazing thing is the response I would get when I asked people how I did after delivering a speech or attending an important social function. I was always stunned when people would tell me how cool, relaxed, and confident I appeared because inside I felt scared, incompetent, and shy.
So one of the most important lessons to learn for overcoming shyness is that almost everyone is shy or has experienced being shy some time in their lives. I have been astounded many times by people who I knew as being supremely confident and socially skilled to report to me how excruciatingly shy they once were, and in some cases how they still are but that they had learned to control it.
The other important thing to remember about overcoming shyness is that the way people see you is frequently much different from the why you see yourself. Other people cannot hear the discouraging things that you're saying to yourself or often even detect your nervousness. Why? Because they are usually more consumed with their own thoughts about how they are being viewed by YOU!
Shyness Can Be Good
In the dating world, both men and women often see shyness as a point of attraction. There is a fine line however. If a person does NOT allow their shyness to hold them back from trying, that is attractive. In contrast, if a person DOES allow shyness to hold them back, that is unattractive.
How times have you heard movie or rock stars say in an interview how shy they are? If you watch closely, you can see how shy these individuals are when they are giving an acceptance speech at an awards show. I know that there are those who hide it well with aggressive, animated behavior, but if you look pass all that you can see it during the moments in between.
The lesson here is that each of these accomplished public figures did not let their shyness block them from going after their dreams! You can do the same regardless of how impossible it seems right now.
Courage and Overcoming Shyness
The path to overcoming shyness and becoming assertive is very similar to overcoming fear and gaining courage. You don't gain either until you have walk toward and through the discomfort and fear. It is between these two points where your internal work of building confidence and courage occurs. To put it simply, you learn by doing! There is no magical formula, or a perfect set of words, that will give you what you need to beat your shyness or gain courage.
The process for overcoming shyness and gaining courage is the same. You must go toward and through what you fear! Once you've done it, then you get the confidence and the courage - NOT the other way around. Each time you succeed, you'll gain a bit more confidence and courage. And succeeding does NOT mean that you will NOT be afraid, awkward, or clumsy as you move through each fearful situation. You will emerge from it elated and invigorated however!
With each success in moving toward and through fearful situations, you will gain a bit more confidence and courage and you lose a bit more fear, awkwardness, and clumsiness. This is the process for overcoming shyness.
Repeated Exposure is Key to Overcoming Shyness
So how do you get there? How do you overcome shyness and gain courage. You do it through repeated exposure to the situations that you fear. Don't let that word fear get to you. Fear is a NORMAL human response to the unknown and to situations where you have no experience. That's all it is. No more. It's not a character weakness or a psychological problem. It's just plain old fear.
Once you go toward and through your fear and feel the exhilaration, you are going to want to do it again, and again! The first time is the hardest. The fear is at its strongest just before the first time. After all, you've probably been thinking about it for years and certainly during the days, hours, or minutes before the actual event. But once you've gone toward and through your shyness and your fears you'll probably say to yourself as I did, "What was I so worried about?" The key to overcoming shyness is to expose yourself to situations where you are normally shy and fearful.
A great strategy for overcoming shyness is to start small and build up to bigger and more difficult situations. For example, start by going to small social functions that are of less importance to you. In other words, go through the awkward learning stage in these environments until you gain some confidence. Then go to those social events that are more challenging and of greater importance to you.
If you want to meet a life-partner but you are shy about approaching people who you find attractive, start with those who you would just like to get to know as a friend. Then after you gain some confidence go after those individuals that really excite you.
The same strategy works particularly well for public speaking. Start with small audiences that will have little or no impact on your career. Then work your way up to larger and more important audiences.
Public Speaking and Overcoming Shyness
Public speaking training is the best way to accelerate your progress. Overcoming shyness is a wonderful unexpected benefit to learning public speaking. In fact, I believe that shyness and the fear of public speaking are directly related.
I've had a considerable amount of training and experience in public speaking. I've taken two (2) Dale Carnegie courses in effective speaking, I've belonged to Toastmasters for many years, I've attended several college classes and seminars on public speaking, and I've delivered countless speeches. Why did I do all this training? I did it to conquer my debilitating shyness and fear of public speaking.
To give you an example of how severe my problem was, I started and quit my first Dale Carnegie course three (3) times before I finally completed it. But when graduated, I received several awards and was asked to be an assistant to the instructor for future classes.
As I progressed through my first Dale Carnegie course, I was amazed and extremely pleased by the changes that were happening to me in regard to overcoming shyness. I found myself speaking up in front of groups of people in social situations where I would have NEVER spoken a word before. I started giving my opinion in business meetings and in college classes that I attended at night. I would not have done either of these things before I started my pubic speaking training. These new skills were particularly useful in expanding my social life. I found that I was much more willing to approach women and strike up a conversation. As my public speaking skills improved further, it wasn't long before I found myself with more social activites and dates than I ever thought possible!
The Dale Carnegie course, which charges a considerable fee, is brilliant! It takes you through a wide variety of public speaking situations guided by well-trained, encouraging, and enthusiastic instructors. One of the great things about attending these classes is that you'll get to know a whole room of people who feel exactly the same way as you do. I highly recommend it.
Toastmasters is a non-profit organization, which charges a very small fee for membership and dues. It has nearly 235,000 members in 11,700 clubs in 92 countries. Each club follows the guidelines of Toastmasters, but they operate and conduct meetings on their own. The club membership is comprised of like-minded individuals who want to hone their communication and leadership skills. Meetings are well organized and productive. The atmosphere is supportive, encouraging, and fun! I highly recommend it.
If you participate in the programs provided by one or both of these organizations, I guarantee that your dream of overcoming shyness will become a reality a lot quicker.
Internal Work for Overcoming Shyness
A crucial aspect to overcoming shyness is learning how to control your thoughts and having a positive self-image. Much of the work needed to make progress in these areas will happen on its own as you struggle through the challenges of moving toward and through the things that you are afraid to do.
As you face these challenges, you will discover for yourself what thoughts will help you succeed. As you accumulate more successes, your thought patterns, confidence, and self-image will become more refined and stronger.
You can speed up your progress in these areas by creating thought and visualization scripts that inspire and led you to the outcome you desire. I call them scripts because they are planned behaviors that you carefully design in advance. And like the script of a movie, television show, or a play it is intended to be an exact representation of what you want to happen when it counts! And if you think about it, isn't this a crucial factor in overcoming shyness?
The basis of a thought script can be anything that is meaningful and inspiring to you. It might be a performance, comparative, or a goal script. The key is to create scripts that arouse passions that will propel you pass your internal roadblocks!
Here are some examples:
Performance Script for Overcoming Shyness:
WRONG: "I will not be shy and I will not be anxious about handling situations that may arise this party."
RIGHT: "I am confident and I can handle any situation that arises at this party."
Comparative Script for Overcoming Shyness:
"I am surely as intelligent and capable as so and so (famous person, friend, or acquaintance), and if they can perform confidently at social functions I certainly can!"
Goal Script for Overcoming Shyness:
"I will move toward whatever I fear tonight (this week/month/year, at this event), conquer my shyness, train myself how to be confident, and become the person that I desire."
Once you come up with a few scripts, replay them in your mind until they become a part of you. Then learn to get yourself into the habit of focusing your thoughts on them when you're approaching an opportunity for overcoming shyness.
Visualizations are movie scripts that you create in your mind that show you performing in the way that you desire. Visualization is a proven technique that has been utilized by leading athletes for years. You can use the same methods to improve your game! Here's how it works. Practice the outcome that you desire in your mind until you create your perfect performance. Once you have a detailed script, replay it in your mind until it becomes a part of you. Then just prior to the actual event, focus your mind on the script and you will know exactly what to do to succeed!
Here are some examples of some visualization scripts for overcoming shyness. You'll need to add the detail so that every scene from beginning to end is included.
"You visualize yourself calmly walking up to the podium at an important business meeting, confidently delivering your speech, and receiving a positive response. You also see yourself confidently prepared to handle any unexpected situation that may arise."
"You visualize yourself calmly entering a party, confidently greeting everyone you encounter, and receiving a warm response. You also see yourself confidently prepared to handle any situation that may arise.
"You visualize yourself calmly walking over to a woman/man that you find extremely attractive, confidently saying what you had planned, and receiving a warm reaction. You also see yourself confidently prepared to deal with whatever the outcome is without being affected."
If you have any issues in your life that are having a negative influence on your self-image, you'll need to address these in order to make advanced progress in overcoming shyness. If this applies to you, start by getting some good books that deal with your particular issue and/or seek the guidance and support of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.
Your New World After Overcoming Shyness
If you make the commitment to overcoming shyness, one day you will look back with amazement at all the progress that you've made and all the wonderful things that you've been able to do. You will also have a deep respect for yourself as you reflect on what your life would have been if you had allowed yourself to remain imprisoned by your shyness.
If you could only see yourself unchained by shyness, you would see a socially confident, engaging, and expressive person with as many friends, dates, and social engagements as you desire. You have the key to unlock the chains within you right now! You've always known this. It doesn't take much effort to find the key, but it takes a lot of courage to unlock the chains. But once you do you will never be the same.
Brad Paul
Solotopia.com
Copyright © Brad Paul
To see the original article with graphics & links at Solotopia.com, click: http://www.solotopia.com/overcoming-shyness.html
To see a list of all articles by category at Solotopia.com, click: http://www.solotopia.com/dating-articles.html
Brad Paul is the founder of Solotopia.com, which provides FREE resources for being single successfully whether a person chooses to remain unattached, just date, or find a perfect partner.
Brad began learning about the needs of singles as he built and led a unique, highly successful non-profit singles organization. He refined his knowledge about singles as he researched and wrote books on finding a perfect partner and couple's communication. Before changing careers, he headed a marketing group responsible for generating $400 million dollars in annual sales.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brad_Paul
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